By Troy Kelleher
Assistant Sports Editor
With Halloween approaching, we need to take some time to consider what is truly important: surviving a zombie apocalypse. With all of the great games, meets, tournaments and other sporting events going on at North Central, it’s easy to forget that a world-wide zombie outbreak could be moments away.
If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that the zombie sickness will spread rapidly, turning cities into graveyards and infecting without discrimination (except for Will Smith). The zombie hordes will flood the supermarkets and city streets of every town, pushing humanity to the brink.”
“Meier garble-dee-goosh!” the undead will senselessly scream as they chase North Central students from Larrance Academic Center to Res/Rec. Who will survive the longest? The Cardinal athlete, of course (no bias here)!
A few athletes gave their thoughts about survival during a zombie apocalypse.
Who: Senior Leea Lopresti and Sophomore Rebecca James
Sport: Lacrosse
The lacrosse athlete’s advantage: “We could use our sticks to beat [the zombies]. I mean, we have our sticks to hit them with and then our goggles to protect our face–we could really beat ’em up.”
Zombie-fighting equipment: “We could throw our lacrosse balls at them, but our stick is our biggest weapon. I don’t think any other sport has a weapon so perfect for fending off zombies. These balls, if you threw them, they’d probably go right through a zombie.”
Scariest type of zombie-athlete: “Men’s lacrosse player; they’re really scary and they wear a lot of gear. The lacrosse stick makes them even scarier and they’re super aggressive. Size could play a factor, and they’re quick.”
Professional athlete companion: “Brian Urlacher: he’s so big and he was on the Bears when they were really good. Oh, and David Freese from the Cardinals because he’s cute.”
Number one rule during a zombie outbreak: “Always have a stick handy, and a bag of balls. We would bring our coach too; she’s tough, she’ll keep us in line, and she’ll keep the zombies away.”
Who: Junior Will Becker
Sport: Football
The football player’s advantage: “Our sense of teamwork would save us because we’re used to working as a unit on the field. If we’re off the field and facing zombies, we would work together to stay alive. Physically, I don’t think it would matter how big or strong you are, because once you’re bitten by a zombie, you’re screwed either way.”
Zombie-fighting equipment: “The jugs machine. It shoots footballs out, so I’d just fire a bunch of those at the zombies.”
Scariest type of zombie-athlete: “A track star, because they could catch you. But I do have wheels, so…”
Professional athlete companion: “I gotta go with Sam Bradford, the leader of the Rams, which is the greatest team in the NFL right now. He also has curly hair and locks that flow. He’s pretty good at feeding the jugs machine, too.”
Number one rule during a zombie outbreak: “You gotta make sure to bring your own tent, so that you’re separated from everyone else.”
Who: Sophomore Sabrina Karas
Sport: Cross-country
The cross-country runner’s advantage: “We’d definitely be able to outrun the zombies, which is definitely good for getting away from the hordes.”
Zombie-fighting equipment: “I would use a roller stick to hit zombies with [and also]pack a pair of running shorts too.”
Scariest type of zombie athlete: “A runner zombie because they’d be able to move fast. A zombie sprinter chasing you would be pretty intimidating.”
Professional athlete companion: “I wouldn’t want a runner because they’re not that strong. Patrick Kane would be my choice–the hockey player–because he would be a pretty well-rounded fighter during a zombie outbreak.”
Number one rule during a zombie outbreak: “No emotion. If you see a zombie that used to be your friend, and it’s about to attack you, you can’t hold back. Even if it’s your mom, you do what you have to do. I could see myself breaking this rule easily, though.”
Who: Sophomore Carlitos Rangel:
Sport: Track and field
The track athlete’s advantage: “We could run faster and use relay batons as weapons. We’re also a close-knit group, so we can depend on each other and watch each other’s backs. Another thing is that there are so many of us. We would have so much backup.”
Zombie-fighting equipment: “We could use the spikes on our shoes to hit them in the face if they try to bite us. I would also take Coach Al with me. He’s so smart and he would lead us. Coach Grammy would probably kill all the zombies too.”
Professional athlete companion: “Mike Tyson. He’s fierce and literally not afraid of anything. Honestly, he’s the best boxer that ever lived, even better than Mohammed Ali–he’s just so hard. Tyson would kill any zombie and lead us to a prosperous life. He’d give us a chance.”
Scariest type of zombie athlete: “Ultimate Fighters because they run every day, they have good conditioning, they’re really strong, they know how to fight and they’re relentless. They have the full package and they’re super smart. They’re just really fit and scary.”
