Troy Kelleher
Asst. Sports Editor
Editor’s note: This article is a satirical look at a campus tradition.
Anyone who consumes edible things and lives on campus knows there is one place to go for an oasis of good food, good times and irritable workers: Kaufman Dining Hall. However, there has been a recent disturbance in this quiet sanctuary, a loud blight on an otherwise pristine eatery that is enraging students from Res/Rec to that one dorm by Kiekhofer.
“It’s that [expletive]table full of [expletive]cross-country [expletive]runners that like to [expletive]each other in the [expletive],” says one honor student.
The extended length of the cross-country table has become a growing problem for students everywhere, particularly since the table’s expansion into nearby dorms Rall and Geiger.
One resident, who wishes to remain anonymous, is increasingly frustrated by the often loud and space-consuming table, which has expanded into his personal dorm room.
“It’s hard to study because there is a table full of skinny men in my room. They are loud,” he says.
The unnamed source has experienced emotional stress during the table’s expansion into his living quarters, particularly when he is changing clothes.
“I’m often undressed, and they make unsavory comments about my body,” he manages to say between tears. “I don’t like them,” he adds.
The ever-increasing length of the cross-country table has city officials worried. Tables full of hungry runners have stretched across the intersection of Loomis and Chicago Avenue, halting traffic and adding hours of travel time to the local morning commute.
“It’s absolutely ridiculous,” says one frequent driver, who now has to wait in traffic an additional two hours for runners to “swallow their [expletive]biscuits.”
Elite academia has felt the effects of the “unreasonably” long cross-country table, as professors across campus have experienced teaching difficulties, in part due to the table’s expansion into classrooms. One professor, who works in the English department, has found it difficult to hear students over the “banshee shrieking” from dining runners.
He has also witnessed the runners throwing grapes across the classroom and clashing with Kaufman staff, who have been forced to trek across campus to clean their table.
“I have a degree, a very high degree,” Dr. [anonymous]explains. “I shouldn’t have to watch them pour hot water on each other while I try to explain existential nihilism.”
The cross-country team has reached out to the campus community regarding the issue. A leader of the team, who will remain nameless due to recent threats, offered a few solutions to the growing problem.
“We could always just place our table on top of other tables in K-man,” he says. “If we do that, then maybe we could remove some of the parts of the table, the ones in really inconvenient spots, like the men’s restroom. Look, I don’t like eating by people that are [expletive].”
