“I couldn’t help but wonder, has fear of being alone suddenly raised the bar on faking? Are we faking more than orgasms? Are we faking entire relationships? Is it better to fake it than be alone?”
Fictional sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw asked this series of questions in a 1999 episode of “Sex and the City” after her friend Miranda Hobbes admitted to faking it with an old flame. The episode follows Miranda as she tells her ex the truth and, despite this, things still don’t work out for her. Her ex is humiliated and she is frustrated to have to teach him how to get her off. In the end, she fakes it one final time and never talks to him again.
Anyone who knows me knows that I will reference “Sex and the City” at any chance I get, though this time Carrie’s signature musings raised a great question:
Is it better to fake it than be alone?
Of course, the answer is no. Miranda knew the answer was no, but she did it anyway. According to research from Charlene L. Muehlenhard and Sheena K. Shippee, around 67 percent of college-age women having sex with males have faked an orgasm.
This is not exclusive to women in relationships, women having casual sex or friends with benefits situations. The study included sex-positive women, feminists and women who were in love with their partners. And yet, more than half of all women having sex with men have faked an orgasm — myself included.
But why? There are many reasons for faking it, ranging anywhere from wanting to end bad sex to not knowing how to climax on your own. It also goes back to the fact that there is a systemic problem with sex education being ineffective. Research from the Kinsey Institute shows that, on average, people in the U.S. first have sex between 16 and 17 years old. With abstinence-only sex ed in mind, many people at this age learn about sex through unrealistic pornography.
Penetrative sex alone cannot make the majority of women orgasm, yet this is where most women tend to fake it. This can still be enjoyable, of course, but knowing that you aren’t getting off can be distracting. However, one of the most common reasons women cite faking an orgasm is because it is uncomfortable or embarrassing to confront a sexual partner.
Looking back, this is why the first guy I hooked up with genuinely believed he made me orgasm “like, eight times in a row.” He was more experienced than I was, but he had zero concept of female anatomy. I didn’t even know what faking it was back then; I was inexperienced and thought it would be too awkward to point out that he was wrong.
Or to ask where he got the number eight from. I’m still confused by that.
To this day, he has no idea that I faked it every other time we hooked up after that. Sure, it was just a fling, but I was perpetuating the problem all because I didn’t want him to feel bad.
Women are taught to follow the social scripts they are given and this includes putting male egos before their own comfort. Is it innocent enough to fake an orgasm every now and then, or is it an indicator of a larger problem? Why do so few people talk about the fact that more than half of all straight women are pretending to get off? How do some guys still not know where the clitoris is? (Seriously, it’s 2019… just Google it).
I’m not sure that even Carrie Bradshaw has all the answers. The bottom line is, sparing men’s feelings isn’t a good enough reason to fake an orgasm. Realistic sex education and creating a more open dialogue about sex are likely the best ways to start fixing the problem, but more than anything, women need to stop being a part of the problem. It’s easier said than done, but it’s more important to be alone and honest than with someone and faking it.
