Olivia Smith, ’21, remembers a pretty good date she went on recently. The two were there for about three hours, laughing and learning about one another in ways that felt important. They found out they had a ton in common, and at the end of the afternoon, he kissed her.
“And then he asked me, ‘Do you want to go see a movie this weekend?’” said Smith. “Like, he initiated a second date, right? I didn’t ask him. And then he ghosted me.”
The popular dating site Plenty of Fish recently released a survey estimating that 78% of singles between the ages of 18 and 33 have been “ghosted.” This means they were communicating with someone, either virtually or out in the world, and then without any warning, that person stopped responding, as if vanishing into thin air.
“I don’t think people take dating that seriously anymore,” said Nicole McCellan. “A lot of what some people consider a relationship might just be casual for the person they’re talking to. So, there might be differences in the understanding of the magnitude of the relationship.”
In an interview with the New York Times, Psychology Professor Wendy Walsh shared that there are levels to this cultural phenomenon.
Occasionally not answering a text or two would be considered “lightweight” ghosting. Meeting up several times, then exhibiting strong avoidance behavior would be categorized as “midweight.” And finally, engaging in a sexual relationship, then cutting off all communication without any explanation is the monster, “heavyweight” champion.
“I feel like it’s only ghosting if you’re seriously talking to the person,” said Smith. “If we match on Tinder and we chat for two days, and you stop responding, you have no obligation to me. I don’t know you. I don’t consider that to be anything.”
Last summer, MTV aired their new series “Ghosted: Love Gone Missing,” in which two hosts, similar to “Catfish,” investigate the “ghoster” online, in hopes of tracking them down and guilting them into explaining why they disappeared on national television. At the end of every episode, the two people must choose whether they’d like to make-up or ghost.
But if a person doesn’t want to be found, why force them into the light?
“My attitude is like, ‘Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you?’” said Smith. “So, even if it was after two dates or seven months, whatever the situation was, if the person isn’t responding to you, why do you want their attention?”
Still, there’s an unavoidable curiosity that comes with ghosting in a hyperconnected world, even if we hate how badly we want the truth.
“If you guys were together, talking for months on end, and you play a big part in each other’s life, and then you got ghosted, I think that’s an extreme case,” said McCellan.
Gili Freedman, whose research focuses on the language of rejection, shared in a Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study from 2018, that ghosting is closely related to the way that someone feels about their future. Additionally, those with “stronger destiny beliefs” are more likely to ghost.
But Freedman’s broader message is to understand that ghosting indicates more about the ghoster than the haunted, and perhaps their discomfort in starting a new relationship. Whatever the reasoning, Freedman said, it shouldn’t deter you from putting yourself out there again.
“These things used to happen on ‘Catfish’ all the time,” said Smith. “Where it would be like, ‘Oh, we were talking, and then they said, Oh, I got into a car accident, or the sister messaged me, and told me they died,’ and it’s like, clearly, whether they’re in the hospital or doing fine, they don’t want to talk to you.”
Freedman advises those who routinely ghost to consider changing their means of rejection. Start by avoiding apologies; not being interested isn’t something to be sorry about. Freedman recommends being honest about one’s boundaries, so both parties are on the same page.
“When that has happened to me, when I have been ghosted, I’m like, if anything, ‘Don’t waste my time, if you’re not interested,’” said Smith.
