“My body, my choice!”
A chant heard most often from pro-choice advocates marching through streets and posting on social media. But the phrase applies to more than just a woman’s choice to terminate a pregnancy; it applies to her right to choose sex — to have sex, to not have sex; where and when to have sex; who to have sex with and who not to have sex with.
When I look back on my childhood, I think of when my mom had “the talk “ with me. It was informative, awkward and slightly traumatic considering that my cat died in the middle of it. But there was no shame; that message of choice was clearly emphasized. I thought that was how everyone looked at the topic.
Then came middle school, when a friend of mine lost her virginity. Suddenly, she was a “slut” and a “whore” and none of the other 7th grade girls wanted to be friends with her. Her boyfriend, however, received no attention for the “event.” It was my first encounter with the double standard.
While my friend cried and was ostracized by a majority of the 7th grade class for a private action, her boyfriend went about his life like nothing had happened. What became quite clear to me was that there is a discord between a woman’s ability and right to choose when to have sex and, more specifically, when it’s appropriate for her to have sex.
The reason for this discord can easily be blamed on a patriarchal, misogynistic society that decides a woman’s worth based on her sex. The fact is, there is an ever-present focus on determining the value of a woman’s sex and sexual experience (and from there her worth to society). Unfortunately, this focus on women’s sexual experience(s) affects the way in which society presents sex and sexual intimacy to girls and boys.
According to The U.S. National Library of Medicine and National Institute of Health’s 2009 study on sexual double standards and peer acceptance in adolescents, “The belief that women and men are held to different standards of sexual conduct is pervasive in contemporary American society.” The common belief is that while women are punished for their sexuality, men are praised and even encouraged for theirs.
For Visiting Professor in the Shimer School of Great Books Ann Dolinko, this presentation and the subsequent beliefs of who is allowed to experience sexual intimacy has a clear, traceable line that stems back to gender reveal parties.
“I think you can make a very clean line between gender reveal parties, dress codes, pornography (and) contemporary, grown-up sexual relations,” said Dolinko.
Dolinko argues gender reveal parties reinforce gender stereotypes. Girl gender-reveals favor gentle ideas, like soft colors and frills. Boy’s gender-reveal favors the idea of dominance. In effect, the construction of childhood is created.
“Boys are not supposed to cry; they’re supposed to be adventuresome; it’s OK if they’re a little mean,” said Dolinko. “Girls are supposed to be sweet. They’re supposed to be nice. They’re supposed to be passive.”
This passivity transcends every aspect of a girl’s life, including their sexual life, when it begins.
The socially constructed narrative around sex follows a specific path. For girls, they are discouraged from speaking about sex.
“They’re not encouraged to talk about sex. They’re not encouraged to masturbate. They’re not encouraged to know their own bodies,” said Dolinko.
Religious Studies Professor Shelley Birdsong adds that, in some cases, a girl’s sense of self-worth stems from her lack of sexual knowledge. Birdsong, who grew up in a conservative Evangelical home says abstinence was emphasized, but much more harshly for girls than boys.
“Girls were taught much more often than boys about how we should guard ourselves and that’s where our value would come from, was whether or not you were a virgin,” said Birdsong. “We were devalued if we were no longer virgins. And I don’t think that that was the same message that young boys were being given.”
Instead, males have been indoctrinated with the concept of sexuality at a young age: males learn about sex through the inaccurate visualization of pornography.
And even worse, there is no convergence between the two extremes. Girls and boys are discouraged from talking about sex with each other.
Because of the discrepancies in their exposure to sex, the first sexual experiences of many result in “one person who thinks he has to be invulnerable, dominating and penetrate, and another one who … can’t say what she wants,” said Dolinko. “She has to be gentle and she has to wait for him to make her feel good. And her own sexual pleasure doesn’t matter because porn shows that what matters is whether he gets off. And she’s supposed to enjoy just being there along for the ride.”
But this discussion — or lack thereof — of sexual intimacy impacts the male ego just as much as women’s. While men are being told they must be sexually dominant in order to fulfill their masculinity, the idea of what masculinity is becomes skewed.
Birdsong explains men are also harmed in the sexual social construct. When society tells men they must get the “notches on (their) belt,” the only perceived way to achieve that is through sexual conquest.
“I think that harms men who don’t necessarily want that image of what it means to be a man,” said Birdsong. “And of course, it harms women as well. (The woman) who is in that relationship feel like they’re becoming victimized by toxic masculinity just as much as men are. I think that toxic masculinity … unfortunately hurts men just as much as it hurts women.”
Despite the obvious issues in the discussion of sexual intimacy, both Birdsong and Dolinko said there are ways to minimize the damage of the double standard.
Birdsong said that, although media doesn’t always help in reducing stereotypes, new portrayals are helping end the stigma around discussing sex.
“I think that the media actually has done a good job of prompting us to have this conversation right now,” said Birdsong. “That might have been taboo 30 years ago, for a young student to come to a woman who teaches religious studies and for us to talk about sexuality and to put it in our student newspaper. I think big media has had a huge role in allowing us to have an open conversation.”
However, she adds that more steps must be taken on a larger scale, particularly when it comes to inclusivity. For Birdsong, the longer a binary system is perpetuated, the longer the double standard of sex will ensue.
“I hope that we’ll get out of over-categorizing people and … assigning values to certain parts of their behavior,” said Birdsong. “Sexual identity is part of those categorizations. ‘Oh, you’re a boy so you can have sex; it’s part of your masculinity. But you’re a girl and so you should be prim and proper and modest.’” Moreover, Birdsong adds that the fact that there is no discussion of any other genders is extremely harmful to society’s progression.
For Dolinko, the change in narrative needs to focus on communicating sexual intimacy as an “exploration” between partners, rather than the portrayal seen in porn.
“We need to begin to talk about sexuality as a mutual, sensual exploration between two adults that are exploring what feels good,” said Dolinko. “And I think what porn is showing us is … sex based on domination and the like. What looks good, not focusing on feelings, both sensuality in terms of just touch. Even watching women and men communicate of what feels good to them because there’s no emphasis on that. So I think it’s really focusing on communication, mutuality and sensuality.”
