What is self-love?
According to a simple Google search, self-love is the regard for one’s well-being and happiness. The idea of being able to look at oneself and not downplay the person reflecting off the mirror is something many people struggle with.
The COVID-19 pandemic forced us indoors for what felt like an eternity. While I kept myself occupied with hours of video games, freelance writing and failed attempts at cooking, the time still felt like an eternity. It was a never-ending loop of sleeping in late, mindlessly scrolling through Twitter and trying to watch something that wasn’t Tiger King. The same day on repeat, over and over. In short, my mind tended to wander quite a bit, especially at night. Am I doing enough to reach my goals? Is this global pandemic being used as an excuse to hide my insecurities? Am I happy with who I am right now?
Self-doubt is an absolute silent killer. It plays dirty tricks on you by going after things you’re anxious about or afraid of. The self-reflection during the lockdown made me realize that I wasn’t happy with who I was. It also presented me with the time to change the persona I held of myself. The journey led me to an understanding of how to love yourself during a pandemic.
I started with the physical side of things: was I confident in how I looked? Working out had never been something I entertained, so I used the free time I had on my hands to exercise. Running on a treadmill and at-home workouts soon led to a gym membership once they reopened. I saw improvements in both my diet and my physique, but the results still didn’t bring me to the point of recognizing self-love.
The next step was to evaluate my relationships. How was I around my friends, my siblings, my girlfriend or my parents?
The family side of things wasn’t perfect. Quarantine forced us all inside, which made things get contentious. It was tough to be in a small space with nowhere to go. We found that activities such as playing board games or pairing up to cook dinner created new branches in the trees we call family relationships. It was certainly good sibling bonding time.
Keeping up with people outside my family involved a heavy load of technology. I found myself longing for FaceTime calls or sitting in my basement wasting away a day on my Playstation with fellow gamers. The games and calls allowed me to work on connecting with people on a more interpersonal level.
Yet, I still felt like there was more to explore. Keeping myself preoccupied and being as involved with others as possible didn’t mean I loved myself. I often believed that self-love was selfish, a narcissistic behavior. In my mind, caring for others and devoting myself to them was what filled the void I considered love. I never really took a look at how I needed to love myself. Did I love myself?
Often, I mix my expectations, dreams, and passions with love. I took the time earned from quarantine to write, create content and learn new things. In my mind, that was self-love: in some sense, I think it was. Pursuing what we care about can make us happy and improve our well-being. Yet, I was still missing an aspect of it.
When you begin to examine yourself internally, you have to first ignore what you consider flaws. You have to also avoid the fears instilled in your head. One technique I learned is to write a daily journal. In this journal, write down the good deeds you did or the good things that happened or the things you were grateful for. Even something as simple as “I got to sleep for eight hours.” I began to realize how we often overlook so many little things; a small task for my mom shows her my willingness to help her, and her gratitude leads me to her appreciation.
You must also be willing to accept these good feelings. Do not be ashamed of feeling good about what you do or have done. Quarantine allowed me to really sit back and reflect on that feeling of wellness. I don’t think I would’ve been able to appreciate it sooner with the craziness of the world before everything came to a stop.
A lot of people needed to love themselves during quarantine. Many couples moved in together and learned their love wasn’t real. Many couples couldn’t handle the time apart. So often we push all our attention into one person, and that alone is our definition of love. The pandemic taught me to never invalidate my emotions, speak openly, and remind myself that I can also love myself.
Let’s hope there isn’t another lockdown anytime soon, and let’s also hope that it won’t take a virus to help others realize they are people who deserve to bask in the fountain of their own love.
